The Dwelling

"What the hell is going on?

The dust has only just begun to fall

Crop circles in the carpet

Sinking feeling

Spin me around again

This can't be happening

All those years

They were here first

The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity

Of this still life" -I. Heap

The truth of the existence of the future leaves me focusing on the past. It isn't clear to me the reason, but I keep my mind placed on past memories. Not only those that have long since passed, but those that occurred last weekend or the previous day, they are all that flash through my mind. I'm quite sure the reason is fear. It's from the dust collecting on the present, dust that has gathered from a subtracted presence. She's not home anymore and I find it so difficult to be even a half hour away for days on end.

Impossible, to even think about days that aren't filled with plans including her. Amanda and I are so close and sometimes I find myself almost in tears thinking about growing older, seemingly growing apart. But, we are only getting closer so why am I afraid. How is it so hard to be far from her? She's my sister; my only sister; the only person who knows everything about me besides myself. I focus on all these events; the jokes and laughs that fill in the gaps of important conversation, the similarities and differences that make us so much alike and also so adored by the other, the individual moments and larger picture that give us something to talk about later and think about forever. Never can I forget all the things that take place. I can never allow any memory to escape me. Not the summer we went to Chicago alone, and stayed in our own hotel room and let Dorie lead us around a gigantic rushing city. I'll remember always, spending the day at Cedar Point with her and mom, hugging each other in the haunted houses and having easy conversation that kept us smiling with each other in the long lines, the entire day. How could I ever forget the weekend she came to Grand Rapids, the beach and the walks downtown, and amazing Italian dinner. Trips to Florida will always be a part of me, when we pretended to be pastry chefs and drew surf boards in the sand. Our countless trips to the mall are always bonding experiences. I'm so interested in everything that happens for both of us and I never want to miss out on anything. I hate to even blink, I might miss a funny look. Spinning in circles in matching purple dresses, we never saw the future coming, when we would be too old and tall to fall to the ground from dizziness. Now I'm dizzy with the thought of missing an opportunity to be around her, hear her laugh, listen to her ideas. The anticipation of going to camp with her this coming summer is overwhelming. An entire summer with my sister!

Our connection is so incredible, and I guess that is the reason for this deep fear that it could be lost, though I'm 100 percent sure it will never fail us. I'll have to stop fearing the impossible and enjoy the actual. Have you even seen tears of happiness? I'm spilling over with those tears! This kind of sisterly love is so protective. I want to build a wall around her so nothing could ever make her upset. Thinking about the person you love most in the world, have you ever seen that person cry? The way it makes you feel, helpless, like you could not do enough to stop their pain, as if you'd stop at nothing to keep a permanent blissful state of mind in their grasp. But I don't have that control, I'm not the person in charge of time. Here's me simply hoping the memories never end and the present continues to grace me with wonderful time with the "love" of my life. I love ya, Sis. Baby Cakes, you are the most important person by my side. I'd like to brush away this dust that cakes the past, and pile on more occasions, like Christmas snowboarding at Boyne Mountain, and girl's weekend at the cabin, and any long or short amount of time spent with my little sis!